I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
