Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
