In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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