my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
