Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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