i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
