my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
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In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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