Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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