In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
