My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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