Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
