My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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