I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
