My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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