I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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