What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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