there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
