Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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