Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
