If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
