Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
dude. I can hear the air.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
