Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
