If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
