I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
