I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
