I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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