I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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