dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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