I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
