I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
