Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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