last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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