I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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