I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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