oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
