I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
