You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am naked and annoyed.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
