at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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