i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
