Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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