I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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