I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
