We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
