Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
