I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
