so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
