someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
