i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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