I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
