K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
