I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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