he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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