I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
