I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
