i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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