she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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