left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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