Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
