I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
