Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
